I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
