just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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