turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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