i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
