I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
