Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I will pee on everything he values.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
