Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I seem to have left my pride at pride
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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