You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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