She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
did i walk over a car last night?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
