I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
