Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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