my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
