If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He felt like a one man threesome
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
