For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
