Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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