I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
