There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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