Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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