you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm both gender and math confused
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
