god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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