Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
