God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
