he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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