i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
