I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
