Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
