college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
