Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
