Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
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John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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