Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
