The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
