Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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