We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There r osticjed everywhere
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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