she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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