hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
