This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
