Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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