So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
