One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
