wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
