Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So apparently I’m into choking now
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