im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
