My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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