Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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