insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
