You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
