I accidentally had phone sex last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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