I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
