So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Green mimosas i think yes
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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