Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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