I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
