He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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