Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
