I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
