he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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