Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
