So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
